I've been watching my friends go through the trials and tribulations of starting to date women -- since I like to watch -- and I think I've learned a couple things.
Because of this, I think I can pass on some brain power to women – not men – and how you should act. To be quite honest, I think you all act like you’re still 13 and play by some lame rule book your sister passed down to you along with her old box of maxi pads.
Stop thinking it’s cool to not tell a guy you like him. If you think he’s cool, tell him.
“Bill,” you’ll say, “I think you’re cool.”
Right now you don’t do that. You think that you’ve been out on like four dates, and by you gently grazing his leg under the table with your cheap Payless Keds signifies that you dig him. It doesn’t. What you’re signifying by that is that you buy cheap fucking shoes and have no respect for a man’s clean denim.
He’s not that into you. Trust me. You’ve been on three dates, you’re worried because you went out to dinner with him and you’re both alone without any of your friends that things are getting too serious and he wants to be exclusive. Knock, knock. Who’s there? It’s me? Me who? Me girl who thinks too much and already is thinking about marriage and if she can be with this guy for a year after drinks, dinner, ice cream, a shitty movie and possibly a little heavy petting. The guy? He’s just happy he didn’t have to bong beers tonight with his buddies. But he’s still going to meet up with them anyways. For sure. The only time he'd get serious or even think about it is if you were Kelly Kapowski. And you're all acting like Jessie Spano.
Don’t go out with a guy more than a couple times and not kiss him, give him a hug or show some affection. If you’re not into him even that little bit, and are just in it for the free dinner at Burger King, take a fucking walk. Look up about four sentences – remember? He’s not that into you. You’re not some great fucking catch -- losing you after hanging out a couple times is not going to break his heart. Get. Over. Your. Self.
Suggest things to do. I hate, hate, hate chicks that are like, “I dunno…what do you want to do?” And the guy makes plans like four times in a row, you stop dating, and somehow through one of your fat, sloppy girlfriends he finds out that you were all, “Bill and I never did anything fun.” Really. Just like you voted for George W. Bush and can’t complain about the job he's doing, you can’t say shit now. If he took you bowling and you can’t stand the smell of stinky, fat white trash ass, you must shut your mouth because you had nothing better on deck. So, suggest something once in while – and make sure it doesn’t suck.
Believe me, I’ve got more of these. But we’ll save those for another time. For right, now, get out yours pen and paper and pencils and Sidekicks and whatever else you use to take copious notes with. And immediately take my advice. Now go text some dude that you want his ass. Later.